boheMIAn

shooting star

2006-05-23T03:15:00.000+08:00

he let go of my hand to hold on to someone else. i felt the instant pull of gravity. it's only a matter of time before i come crashing into the ground.

how do you fix things that are broken beyond repair?

oh well

2006-05-14T17:44:00.000+08:00

it is not often that i try to express my feelings in front of the person. minsan na nga lang, ang isasagot pa sayo is "so?".

im sure i dont need to put into words how much that hurt.

overworked

2006-05-09T00:03:00.000+08:00

i was a bit reluctant to change my template, despite how distorted it looked, because it was one of the last links we had. silly, i know. but there are some things that i just cant let go. seeing as i cannot really "throw it away", i stored it somewhere else.

this new one isnt really the template i was vouching for, but since i barely have the time to make my usual ones, i decided to just be content with this for the time being.

iv been burrying myself at work for the past weeks. i finished whatever job they threw in my direction and asked for more. everything was going fine. i was so determined that i even took on different shifts just a few hours after my own. i was so focused on getting everything done that i forgot to stop and rest.

but my body couldnt keep up.

when i went home last friday around 2am after my work, i had to go back to work again around 7:30am. i barely slept and went on autopilot mode. so here's what happened the rest of the day..

9am = officemates started arriving and were surprised to see me there. gave them my trademark grin and bubbly chatter.
10pm = officemates saying i look exhausted. gave them my trademark grin and bubbly chatter.
11pm = officemates asking if i want to go home. gave them my trademark grin and said "sayang naman, andito nako. tapusin ko nalang shift ko"
12noon = supervisor asking if i was okay. i sneezed.
1pm = team leader asked me to go home already. i laughed at him and then ended up coughing.
1:30pm = team leader and supervisor asking me to take the next day off.
2:pm = was pretty quiet. probably they got tired of fussing since i wouldnt budge.
3pm: = would have been quiet had it not been for the sudden loud rumble of my stomach. forgot to eat lunch. for that, got hit on the head by an officemate.
3:30pm = happily munching on some food.
4pm = praying it was already the end of my shift. felt horrible.
5pm = boss demanded that i go home.
5:15pm = the last thing i heard was, "take tomorrow off. i dont want to see you till tuesday!"
7pm = my head happily hit the pillow. ZzZzz.

i know, i know, it was my fault for getting carried away with work. i was obsessed with the idea of being busy.

come saturday, i felt like a log. the simplest movement caused my head to throb in an extremely agonizing way. getting up made me cry so much from the pain. taking a bath was one big drama. i slept and slept. but eventually, i got tired of sleeping.

my mother took pity on me and lent me her laptop so i could at least occupy myself with something. checked mails. waited for a friend on ym. talked to his cousin. but i had to logout eventually because of my coughing fit.

sunday was quite the same except for the going online part. i couldnt keep my eyes open for more than 30 minutes. so i just slept and slept.

today was so much better.

rested the whole morning. had dinner with friends. even tho i was coughing so much, i really enjoyed spending time with them. abby was a bit reluctant to let me come at first but i told her that chances like this are too rare to pass up.

now that i got home, im feeling like a log again. oomf.

tomorrow, it's back to work. have to wake up early since i dont like being late.

The Picto-Personality Test

You are a person who is very calm and kind. You go out of your way to help people who need your help.

When alone, you like to spend your time doing something that will better yourself.

You are romantic, and when you are with your partner you like to woo them with your imagination.

In the future you will have a good family life and lots of friends.

Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com

---

nice quote i saw in lushlip's blog @_@

"...and i don't know what scares me more losing you to keep myself or losing myself to keep you..."

moments like this one

2006-04-26T22:49:00.000+08:00

i asked my Team Leader one last time (after asking him over a hundred times) if there was still something he wanted me to do. he smiled and said that i could do whatever i want. seeing as there was nothing else to occupy myself with, iv decided to write an entry.

it was moments like this, when i have nothing else to do, that i feel a deep longing for him. it was moments like this when i would resist the urge to tell him everything that's been threatening to overflow. i miss him so much.

everybody knows that. except him.

i didnt even end it this time. it was him. i didnt even say anything anymore because i know how hard it was for him to do it. i just bit my tongue and went on my way, life should go on as usual.

so i continued working, doing the things that i have to do, and just tried to shut out the thoughts revolving him.

but then, there are still moments like this. and i just miss him so much.

hmm.. better ask my boss again if there's something else that i needed to do.

a few nights ago

2006-04-16T00:03:00.000+08:00

i was about to step out of the car when he asked me to wait. i was suddenly filled with dread. i thought, "oh god, not now". my hand let go of the door handle and i fumbled for my house keys instead.

"i uh.."

i gave him a confused look. and asked if he was okay.

"what im trying to say is.."

at the back of my head, i knew what he was going to say. all the little signs were there even though i kept convincing myself that im just being "feeling". but somehow i knew.

i raised an (almost non-existing) eyebrow (blame the genes) at him to emphasize that i was waiting for whatever it is that he has to say.

"would you ever consider us.. being together?"

i was quick to say, "not now"

i gave him a strained smile. i dont like breaking hearts and he seemed like a nice guy. i just wasnt ready to hand out my heart to someone new. yet. i like being friends with him, but he's just not my type.

sometimes i get to think if im letting every chance pass me by. love for people like me comes only once in a while. and i blow it away without much consideration. im not a drop-dead-gorgeous girl, im not one of the smart-bunch either. there's nothing really special about me. people who get attracted to people like me are either crazy or desperate. or just plain blind.

sure guys would often tell me that i was different from the other girls, that i wasnt 'typical'. but then again, what girl hasnt heard that from guys that tried to woo them.

even with all those in mind, i still chose to turn down guys for the sole reason that i was still in love with someone who couldn't be with me. i was still in love with him. because once upon a time, he really made me feel that i was different.

he still loves me, i know. but everything is so complicated that i usually end up crying myself to sleep. he's always with her. talking about her. loving her. i feel so weak that i dont even have the strength to look away. so im stuck while watching the universe die slowly in front of me.

and i loved him. oh how much i loved him.

unconditional

2006-04-13T22:40:00.000+08:00

what we have is not ideal. it's not something anyone would want for themselves. any girl in her right mind would never agree to anything like it.

i feel like i just signed my own death warrant. i could already feel myself bleeding. im already trying so hard to let it go. to understand. to accept. i really am trying.

it's so hard. especially when most of the things that come out of his mouth is about her. i try so hard not to let it cut me. i try to listen... and to understand. and to accept. again.

i feel as if there's a big blackhole that suddenly appeared in my chest. sucking in everything that i have, even air, making it very difficult to breathe. but then again, it could be just asthma.

he cannot be with me. cannot even text me a simple good morning. i usually have to wait until the last quarter of the day before he can recognize my existence. and i try so hard to be patient. to understand. to accept. like i always do.

he loves her. very much. and i try so hard not to cry.. and to understand. and to accept. over and over.. and over again.

love in it's purest form.

crying like a church on monday, love me like it's sunday again

2006-02-12T22:13:00.000+08:00

i suddenly felt like writing.

maybe it's because i have nothing else to do. maybe it's because i just missed typing away whatever comes to mind. maybe it's because i wanted to get in touch with my self again. maybe it's because it's almost valentines. maybe it's because i want to unwind. there are many reasons (im not sure which one tho) why i suddenly felt the urge.

but now that i am writing, im suddenly at a loss for words.

what do i say, really? i dont know. but i do know that i feel like writing right now. do i talk about what happened today? probably not. do i relate the things i do at work? nope, i dont think so. what about my feelings? nahh, i'll probably just end up rolling my eyes.

so what do i say? hmm.. let me think, let me think.

while i was scratching my head, a friend buzzed me saying "i want to write something but i dont know what...", that's a direct quote if you must know. talk about coincidence.

maybe i could talka about.. no, i probably shouldn't. deym, just when i thought i was doing so well in not thinking about him. oh well.

suddenly writing doesnt seem to be a very good idea.

fall to pieces

2006-01-08T19:38:00.000+08:00

he once jokingly said that it seems that we were doomed to avril's songs. i guess today is no different.

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through

Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means

Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything

i turned 21 yesterday. he was the first one to greet me. that alone, was surprising.

i dont feel older. i dont feel like iv grown. i just feel tired, like im already in my 80's and dying. my hands are shaking and i feel weak. my heart twinges from the slightest change in emotions and the annoying stinging in my eyes never seems to leave.

each day i struggle to make everything alright and keep it together. i work, i write, i study. i keep myself occupied as much as possible. i go out with friends just to fill the spaces in my schedule. while i may be deeply depressed, im still capable of doing the things i have to do. i refuse to be beaten down by this.

so i struggle. everday i struggle.

nag-aabang sa langit
sa mga ulap sumisilip
sa likod ng mga tala
kahit sulyap lang

tumalon kaya ako sa bangin
para lang iyong sagipin
ito ang tanging paraan para mayakap ka

darating kaya?
sa dami ng ginagawa?
kung kaagaw ko sila
paano na kaya?

i laugh and smile during the day and try to find joy in the simplest things. i joke around and tell senseless stories. when people would ask about how i was feeling now, i joke about it. not because i dont want them to see how weak i was, it wasnt about pride anymore. at least not entirely about it anymore. but because it helps me take my mind off of how how sad i was really feeling.

what happens at night? well, lets not get into that. let's just say it's the hardest part of the day.

And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you

maybe the word love should not be mentioned.

happy new year to me

2006-01-01T20:30:00.000+08:00

there was a sharp intake of breath and my heart just stopped about beating: the smile beside his name turned yellow.

of course, i was not foolish enough to buzz him. or to say anything to him. i dont think i could take it if he doesnt even give me a second glance again. i tried before and i was only met with silence in my time of need.

im content, to say the least, to just know he is doing well in his life. he sounds happy, from the way i see it. hopeful, happy, and great. while a single comment he made on someone else's blog may not be enough basis to make that claim, i would like to think that he is just that.

it'll be my birthday in a few days and i have nothing to wish for, really. my wish was already met. while my original wish didnt come true, i was ok with that. well not at first, but acceptance was just around the corner.

as long as he's happy.

then the smile beside his name turned grey.

when i look to the sky

2005-12-04T19:25:00.000+08:00

When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

[Chorus:]
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

[Chorus:]
And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

november blues

2005-11-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

whenever we talk, i feel like the loneliest person in the world.

do you even know why? no, of course not. because like what you said, you dont want to think about it. you never want to think about anything regrding me. not even about 'who' it really is. not even why you keep coming to me. and especially not this. why should you think about these, it's not really important right? it's too far from your mind. you have other things to worry about. more important things.

i wonder what will happen 3 days from now. will you remember? will you send me a special note at least? boy do i sound pathetic. or will you just buzz me in ym like it's just any other day. well it is just any other day now is it? maybe you'll do what you usually do (on days that mean a lot to me), text me only at the end of the day when im already tired of waiting for you. and then as usual, i'll reply with what i usually reply on "special" days like that.

"you're not here."

you're never here. will you ever be here? but i can't really blame you since you have no reason to be. right?

no reason. especially not for me.

so whenever we talk, i just feel like the loneliest person in the world.

linkages

2005-09-30T09:06:00.000+08:00

while listening to my LSS these days, i decided to write a new entry. i will just let my mind take me wherever it may lead me. so here goes.

iv been really busy with school work for quite some time now. i learned flash overnight (since i dont listen to the lectures anyway) and was able to pass my project with flying colors. looking at my work (which was just a simple animated presentation), i decided to tweak it a little bit and add more features for my personal use. i worked on it for 2 days but then i decided to put it on hold until further notice.

iv been sick too, which isn't so surprising since it's already the start of my asthma season. everytime the wind hits me, i feel my chest tighten considerably. it's so frustrating since it's so hot these days and i cant even get proper ventilation.

hmm, what else?

org activities. yes, well, ICC (international coastal clean-up) went well considering it was our first time to host it. we were able to establish ties with the locals and they fully supported our project. i was the dive master in the pawikan group and was really nervous that id do something stupid. but everything went really well. my groupmates followed the instructions i gave and im kinda proud of myself for being commended for a job well done. the president had been hinting that i should be the TL (team leader) on the induction dive. im flattered, really. but i dont think i can handle the job yet. since experience wise, i still lack certain qualities. and it will be very difficult since it will be a very big group.

one of the quirks of being a TL is that i wont have to do much physical work. plus, i get to order everyone around (hehe). my word is also LAW. but of course, it also comes with a price. everyone's well being is my responsibility. every decision i make will affect everyone. and i also have to brave the depths of hell by reprimanding 30++ year-old people for drinking too much. imagine the horrors. them against 20 year-old petite me.

so of course, i declined. besides, when you're the TL, you wont have to cook food and they definitely need me in that area. not that im good at it. im just more experienced in that area. plus a lot of my orgmates have been telling me that we should be in the same group (read: cook for me mommy!) since i have this tendency to fuss over them like a mother hen.

--

oh well. this marks day 5.

Am I giving enough?
Is it all that should be?
When the water gets rough
Will you still swim with me?
So afraid to come close
And maybe too slow
And maybe too much
For you to consume

)%&%!

2005-09-05T10:27:00.000+08:00

last night i caught myself saying that it doesn't hurt as much.

what a load of bull.

im insignificant as always.

Why did I act like you mattered
It was silly of me to believe
That if I just opened my heart
Things would come naturally
Jokes on me yeah
I did not ask for love letters
So why did you give them to me
How could I let your intentions
Get hold over me
So in love
So naive oh baby

Oh I miss you so much
I long for your love
It's scares me
Cuz my heart gets so weak
That I can't even breathe
How can you take things so easily
Baby why aren't you missing me

over a cup of coffee

2005-08-30T09:01:00.000+08:00

"I really am not quite sure how to start this letter. In fact, I'm not even sure WHY I am writing this letter to you now, but my mind is flooding with words I feel must be said to you. This seems like the only way I can truly express what it is I am feeling. Believe it or not, I find it hard to voice my opinions sometimes. True, in any conversation, I am the one who does most of the talking, but deep inside I feel as if everything I say is false. I often find myself screaming inside as I hear all the nonsense that spew out of me when what I really wanted to say is ignored. But with you, it's different, you seldom say anything at all, but when you do, it is always what you are truly feeling...to the last syllable. One sentence from you is the equivalent of an hour of my blabbering. So I feel that writing my thoughts down may help me with the decision that I feel that I must make. Sometimes. I think that I am dreadfully afraid of hearing the sound of my own voice, especially if I were to say what I am writing in this letter now.

I am sitting here, in this small secluded lounge that I like so much, listlessly stirring into a cup of mocha that I don't even like. This place, no this atmosphere, suits you better than I. The quietness and the solitude, it is like I am trapped in this place, which is the personification of your character, and yet, it is I who choose to be here, out of all the other places I could have gone. I choose to be trapped within this place that is so much like you. I have noticed the people around me surreptitiously sneaking glances my way and whispering in their little circles. They are probably thinking why no one is with me now, since I've never, until this moment, dared to come to this place alone.

I often catch myself wondering what you think about when we're together. I can just imagine watching you from the corner of my eyes as we play together; the spotlights above the place illuminating your frame making you seem ethereal. And when the spotlight catches you just right, I can see you staring at me. Those eyes that seem to bore right into me, stripping me naked of all my hidden secrets, all the thoughts I try to keep to myself. And in that moment of contact, I can hear your voice in my head, whispering words of love and devotion that I would never hear out loud from your lips. I feel as if I'm the only one who is capable of hearing such words from you. And in that split second, the crowded room melts away and only the two of us remain, staring into each other's eyes.

The waitress brings me another cup of mocha without a word. I am still very unsure of the reason why I came here. I glance over at the empty chair where someone usually sits, blinking rapidly and dozing off because of the quietness in the lounge and the lulling music. I would often smile softly and gaze at them as they fall asleep.

When we talk, those times seemed to be the best. No one around to bother us. It is a pity that they have been far and few in between, considering how we often break out into meaningless arguments over the slightest things. I guess that things will never be perfect for us, not that I ever thought it would. I can completely lose my own thought whenever I am with you. I try not to let it show, this weakness of mine. I fear that someday, you, as all the others have done, will be gone and I will be utterly shattered."

feb '03

--

im sitting here, in this small secluded lounge, listlessly stirring into a cup of coffee. i don't even drink coffee. just love the smell of it.

song of the day: all by myself

burning out

2005-08-24T21:41:00.000+08:00

i grew up in an environment with a different kind of concept of what a family is. they are still family. and even if it contradicts with the way i grew up, i still cant bring myself to not care. i know i always stayed in the background whenever there's an issue in the family (immediate or otherwise). but i awlays cared. i always felt. it always affected me so much that i dont know how to deal with it that i just turn cold. i guess it's my defense mechanism.

--

iv always been self concious of what i felt. i couldnt bring myself to tell him all the things that i wanted to say. how strange it is to claim that he's the first person that comes to mind whenever i want to say something.

well, it's not like i lied. he is the first person that comes to mind. besides, i dont think i claimed that i actually tell him. he just comes to mind, that's all. argh. there i go again looking for the loopholes in the claims that i made. but i swear, i do try to tell him. it's just really hard.

kidding aside, all i really want whenever im overflowing with emotions is a hug. hugs are more effective for me than talking about the problem.

i guess what i was really trying to tell him all this time was, "please hug me!"

not afraid of being held, just being let go

an embrace is not enough to keep you from the cold. not when the only arms to wrap you are your own.

mush. gah.

so this is what missing leads to.

a moment of inspiration: veggie soup for the soul

2005-08-16T22:11:00.000+08:00

"kantahan mo nalang ako"

"So if you'd still go, i'll understand
Would you give me something just to hold on to?
And if you'll stay, ill hold your hand
Cause im truly, madly, crazily in love with you"

"haha naks"

"that's my song these days"

talking to him again was like having my bestfriend back. he's someone really significant to me. i noticed how natural talking to him felt like. it was something familiar. and i was happy. and relieved by some amount.

iv always treasured our conversations (one-sided or not) to the point that i have kept messages as simple as "please eat on time", and my personal favorite, "it's late, umuwi ka na" even if it's only 5:30 in the afternoon (he doesn't know that that particular line always make me laugh coz he's treating me like im still in high school or something). i know im old enough to know such things, but it's nice to know that someone is actually worried about you.

"Let me know if dreams can come true
Let me know if this one's yours too
Cause I see it
And I feel it
Right here
And I feel you right here"
-gemini, spongecola-

i get the feeling that he'll always see me as a kid. it's funny and sometimes i want to roll my eyes when he starts acting like a mother hen. he would tell me how he feels compelled to take care of me, to watch over me. he has this knight-in-shining-armor complex in which, during one of my funny moods, im tempted to tease him that he's just another brat wrapped in aluminum foil. i know he likes to feel needed and wanted, so i let him pretend that he's taking care of me even when im the one who's actually taking care of him. =P

come to think of it, he does take care of me in his own little ways. the way he makes sure that im not bothered by anything. the way he helps me verbalize things that im unable to. the way he would do the silliest things just to cheer me up. he's the first person that comes to mind when i want say something no matter how senseless it is. i could count on him to listen to me. i know i have other friends, but it's different. neither of us can explain it but there's something about telling each other some things that feels different when we tell other people (hmm umikot lang yata sinabi ko lol).

i am now an artist because of him.

Feels just so fine
When we touch the sky me and you
This is my idea of heaven
Why can't it always be so good
But it's alright, I know you're out there
Doing what you've gotta do
You are my soul satellite
I'd be lost in space without you
-lost in space, lighthouse family-

nothing else to say

2005-08-14T21:28:00.000+08:00

there are times when there's nothing you can do but sing.

Now I don't light candles
because they make me see the light
That I can't help failing
To remember to forget you
And I know it's gonna be a long time
And I'm crying like a church on Monday
praying for these feelings to go away
So do me a favor baby
Put down your new god
And love me like Sunday again

-crying like a church on monday, new radicals-

75% sugar. not for those who hate "mush"

2005-07-27T23:17:00.000+08:00

The shroud of night had fallen long ago, and the light of day had a few hours more to wait before venturing near. The eternal battle of the moon and sun, a desperate battle wrought between these astral lovers. Forever longing for the other's presence, that one glimpse of the moon's radiant beam to grace the sun's brilliant shine, forever separated by the curse placed upon them by the gods. Set to chase the other's fading light in an endless circle, always just a few moments too late to be blessed with the sight of the other. An eternal heartache circling the skies.

it is so sad to love someone with such fervent passion and yet to never have the joy of their company. im afraid i could never withstand such a great tragedy.

eclipse anyone?

gettin rusty

2005-07-07T11:40:00.000+08:00

i had a feeling i got something wrong. hmm. investigated a little just to satisfy my curiosity. im surprised i got the date wrong. i actually got it wrong. it was the 17th, not the 16th. my bad.

oh well.

sheeps on demand

2005-07-01T04:07:00.000+08:00

3:49am. dammit.

people, people, lend me your sheeps! err.. ears.

hi. im looking for sheeps. do you have any? i seem to have run out. most of the sheeps iv been counting have fallen asleep on me. the others, well, probably dead beat from running in my head every night till the wee hours of the morning.

i need more sheeps. im sure you'll understand.

---

the mind is a scary place during the odd hours of the night. or morning. whichever you prefer.

---

he told me to hang on.. so i did.

damn.

---

good thing it's friday. no school. i can sleep in again. woot.

fragile

2005-06-23T15:31:00.000+08:00

it's not that i dont have time to blog. i actually have a considerable amount of free time. it's just that there are times when i dont feel like writing.

anyway, this has been on my drafts for quite some time now and i think it's about time that i post it (i can hear someone saying "finally!") along with my *ehem* new template.

for some reason, iv turned into a minimalist. iv fallen in love with the monochromatic theme (thanks to adobe!) inspired by freehand images. it's a nice change from my usually cramped header. but hey, i can still see traces of my old design. this template is still me despite the lack of color.

i might change my url address in a few days, a lot of friends are complaining that they can't access my blog because the word 'fetish' is banned. haha. i might change it to hilaga.blogspot.com. id probably change it on july.

speaking of july, just a few more weeks till HP6!

--

total volume of music files in my computer:

i dont have music files here even tho i own this now. however, in my mom's pc i think i only have about 1gb.

last cd i bought:

i dont really remember since it's been so long since i included cd's on the list of the things i need to buy. do blank cd's count?

hmm.. im thinking of buying hale's album.. just gotta save up first.

song playing right now:

AKAP by Imago

Nagtatanong
bakit mahirap
sumabay sa agos
ng iyong mundo

Nagtataka
Simple lang naman sana
Ang buhay
Kung ika'y matino

Sabihin sa akin lahat ng lihim mo
Iingatan ko
Ibaling sa akin ang problema mo
kakayanin ko

Pikit mata
kong iaalay
ang buwan at araw
pati pa sapatos kong suot

Nagtatanong
simple lang naman sana
ang buhay
kung ika'y lumayo

Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit
Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa pait
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit Sasamahan ka

'nuff said.

five songs i listen to a lot, or mean a lot to me:

i had a hard time answering this one, there are simply too many songs to choose from. after a long time of debate, i came up with the five songs that mean a lot to me. in no particular order.

i think god can explain by splender - i just love this part:

The world seems bigger than both of us,
Yet it seems so small,
When I begin to cry.
best i ever had by vertical horizon - just the right amount of sarcasm and sour graping. just perfect.

the reason by hoobastank - ah if only ex-boyfriends know this song. the world would definitely be a better place. haha.

stay by lisa loeb - iv been attached to this song for as long as i can remember. wouldn't it be nice if someone asked you to stay?

waiting in vain - no need to explain why. whether bob marley's version or annie lennox's version, doesn't matter. i dont like the mymp version tho..

five people im passing this to:

ed, nix, nicole, lushlips and cklang.

----

she's the qeen of ice.

her heart is cold and frozen.

so be careful, it's fragile.

troubled sleep

2005-05-27T09:27:00.000+08:00

it was the sound of the rain against the window that woke me. i didnt get up. i didnt move. i just opened my eyes and stared at what was in front of me (which i assumed was the wall). it was still too early so it took some time for my eyes to adjust in my darkened room.

that's a stuffed animal. sadly, i still have one (more like a stuffed alien). lol

the occasional flicker of lightning illuminated my surroundings, and i could see my arms draped across a pillow. i've always felt like i didnt have enough pillows even though i had 7 already. i guess it was to try and fill the empty space that was always beside me. it somehow lessened the feeling of loneliness. somehow.

a sigh.

i get sentimental, almost brooding, when it rains. the need to cuddle.. to touch is heightened. just a hug. a hug will do.

i've begun to fall into the habit of measuring my life not by years, but by the altering phases of loneliness and love. there was my childhood. then i had friends. then V died. then my first love. then my first heartbreak. then graduation. then him. then my second heartbreak. then there was davao. then more heartbreaks. and then there he was once more. and then he started slipping through my fingers. then there was the org. then i got lost.

lonely.

i clutched my pillow tighter.

--

note: the original look of the pic above can be seen here

stop, think

2005-05-18T15:55:00.000+08:00

Here we go again falling in love again, falling in love all over
We thought we'd seen the end but it was over then
But the feeling's back and we're staring over

Hanging conversations, silly accusations
We've never made through coz me and you
We never had a chance
And now we're taking another

Stop think wait a minute
Is it love that we really feel?
We've been hurting back, we've been hurt before, dont you fall until we know for sure
Stop think wait a minute
Is it love that we really feel?
We've been there before we've been through that door, dont you fall until we know for sure

Here we go again
Taking a chance again
Finding ourselves together
Falling in love again, losing it all again
Watching the world go by as we're starting over